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Today I cried

A part of my past lied

My brain is fried

A piece of my, heart has died.

My tear ducts swell

In a daze I almost fell

Staring into space I dwell

Is it your soul,  you would also sell?

I wish this were all fake

My demise is what’s at stake

My heart and soul you wish to take

But my resolve, you cannot break.

Get your blanky its story time still

Running your mouth almost at will 

I must admit I’ve had my fill 

I may forgive but stay out of my grill

I will raise them to be men

Enjoy life while they can

They will know where I’ve been

For they are cubs,  in the lions den.

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Jealousy, vindictiveness, evil to the core,

Trying to live my life 

Yet it’s,  always about more.

Cruelty, meanness, it’s all about you

We have found ours

Move on, is what you should do.

Sadness, pain, is all this really brings

Time and money gone

Let go, of the puppet strings.

Smiles, memories, are what life’s about

Love and happiness I have

Continue on, never any doubt.

Buffalosjoeyi

9-13-2015


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Seasons never stay the same
Leaves fall, forgotten, time to decay
Love it seems is a slippery game
Like the leaves, forgotten and never stay

Once in a while you find a gem
Like the pine sharing it’s green year round
You feel blessed spending your time with them
Happily together in the love you’ve found

It’s not that change isn’t good
The rebirth of spring teaches us this
I wouldn’t change anything if I could
Because the love I have now is such pure bliss

Growing like the leaves of spring
We now enjoy the changes together
As we embrace the challenges that life will bring
The love we share will blossom forever…

Buffalosjoeyi
9-5-2014


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In the insurmountable ideals
Of a people sometimes lost
Wanders a mighty few
Who do it all at no cost

They are the faceless
True heroes of our time
Never afraid to take a chance
Always ready to make the climb

You may never see them
Or ever know who they are
But they care more than most
And will always go a bit more far

I speak of our protectors
Whom fight for your rights
My brother is among them
I am proud that he’s one who fights

Thank a Veteran today…

Buffalos Joey I
2-26-2014


The insanity of success….


We all judge our own personal success differently. There are  those that measure it in how much money they have or  other material goods. Some measure it in how far up the  corporate ladder they have climbed. Others hang their 100k  diplomas on their walls and yet sadly some measure it  by how much they can steal to score another buzz.

I recently  became fixated on my own success, or in my eyes lack there  of. I recently withdrew from my summer semester. Yes folks i am 42 and do not possess a degree. I had to come to grips with the fact that life had become very complicated. My situation is much different now than the previous two years, See, i am finally divorced. It’s a bittersweet ending to a long struggle that my followers know all too well. In the divorce decree i was awarded every other week in the summer time. My boys are older so time for me needed to be spent on them, not excel spreadsheets that honestly i will never use again.  But here is where it all came to a head for me.

I went golfing with a new colleague (don’t get the wrong idea here folks, I go six times a year max) and afterwards we had one of those conversations that I will never forget. He tried to tell me he felt like a failure when we first met due to his seemingly arrogant approach. The problem had been not with him, the way we met or anything else for that matter. The problem was the one word he said, when he said it, I felt like an Army Vet whom experiences the flood of emotion during a bout with PTSD. My brain became awash with the word and what it meant to me. Finally I couldn’t stand it anymore. As we sat on my tailgate I looked into his big, unassuming and inexperienced eyes and said: ‘kid, let me tell you something about failure”.  I proceeded to explain to him how the last four months of my life had become some of the darkest I had ever known.  Work was the only place I had left to find normalcy in an otherwise jumbled mess of an existence I had been so desperately trying to avoid. But that word “failure” hit me so hard it actually hurt. This twenty-six year old-young man never saw this conversation coming, nor did he think nine holes of golf would teach him a lesson about life that i am sure he will carry for the rest of his life. You see the word failure had been swimming in my mind for weeks. I had been questioning myself and who I had become. My work, to my standards was starting to slip. My marriage had failed, I felt like I failed my boys and now I had failed myself and my employer because I could not handle the summer classes. Now looking back after a couple of weeks I see clearly that I was in fact quite wrong about myself, my kids and my career.  Once I spilled everything out onto Mr. 26, I realized I was crying, I was vulnerable and actually relieved . It was a release that was triggered by one word and that one word alone. So now you must be wondering what was his response… utter disbelief. See I had been carrying so much inside that when I heard him say that word… The floodgates just opened up. For all intents and purposes I didn’t mean to explain myself to him, but it couldn’t be stopped. The last few weeks have been a roller coaster of emotions. My mom nearly died of a brain bleed due to leukemia, a close friend and I had parted ways, the divorce was finalized, I lost my motivation for school, I came to the realization I was alone in my world now that my ex and kids moved….Oh I could go on but you get the drift.  Now here is where the insanity of success come to fruition. The next day I had to tell my new boss of six months that I dropped out of the semester. My company pays the school bill so I had no idea what to expect. My boss has been one of the few that actually knows what was going on with me so to disappoint him was hard to face. He told me in no certain terms had I failed. What he did say is that if I didn’t go back then I fail. I was shocked and dismayed at the understanding. I guess I didn’t know what to expect but I can tell you I thought the worst would come. So now I had to tell HR, which was another huge deal for me. But before I told them I sought out our company Industrial physiologist for advice.  He was amazing, simply put. He explained that we all fall into the darkness at one time or another but that these are just “moments in time, and they too shall pass”. Those words were so profound to me. We talked at length about success and the true meaning of the word. I will summarize it as best I can from what I learned from him on that day of awakening….

I now have a clear understanding of my success. My success is getting out of the truck, waiting for my boys to get out, and having them want to hold my hand. Success is having the boys wait patiently for the tuck in routine (kiss, hug, wiggle nose, high-five, hand shake, thumb war and the finally….rocks paper scissors two out of three with a barrage of tickling in between. Success for me is hearing a perfect stranger whom never met my boys tell me after an hour and a half that “I should be proud at how well-mannered, sweet and polite your boys are”.  It is having a colleague tell you when it is least expected that you are actually revered and respected regardless of your educational background. It’s having your true friends want to be there for you every step of the way while you stumble. And finally, success is hearing a smile through the phone.

It is insane to think that I dreamed of success being anything more than hearing your children say “daddy I love you”.  We all struggle with life, but the insane thing is; success is nothing without the love and respect of your peers, your friends both new and old and more importantly your children.

Buffalosjoeyi…

Thanks for reading and I would hope that you could take a minute to visit my support group and page, like it, support it and stand up for what is right…Kids Deserve Both Parents… This is me….http://www.facebook.com/#!/BuffalosJoeyI My support group…..http://www.facebook.com/#!/groups/DadsRightsCoalitionofNY/ And the page……http://www.facebook.com/#!/pages/Dads-Rights-Coalition-of-New-York/227778323947711


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This blog still rings true even this year. Much has changed in my life since the separation/divorce. I still feel the pain and emptiness of being alone. The visits with my boys are much better and our relationships have grown. I am a very proud Daddy. This will mark the third Christmas I spend alone yet I feel like I am turning a corner.  My life is not where I hoped it would be but I am not complaining as it could be much worse.

As the smile in the new photo shows, a good conversation and an all around fun family day can help to ease the pain that is hidden. I am fortunate to have met people recently that are genuine, honest and absolutely hilarious! 2014 is looking to hopefully be one that big changes occur. Maybe not the ones I thought, but change just the same. Will all of my dreams come true? “Probably Not” but I am ok with it… I have to be.

I am wishing everyone a warm, fun filled and amazing Holiday Season… But just be thankful for what you have… And hope and wish for a better tomorrow.

Please remember those less fortunate this Holiday season and pay it forward…You may be surprised at how it really makes you feel!

 

(2011)

The sad realization hit me like a ton of bricks. I am not only going to be alone with my tree on Christmas morning but I will also not experience the waking up to excited kids. I will be and am thankful that I will get to spend Christmas Eve with my boys though. We were able to keep a certain tradition alive this past weekend. We traveled to a local tree farm and cut down what is thought to be the best Christmas tree ever. It was a challenge to put up but we managed and it is perfect. The day was great and we met some wonderful people. The boys were overjoyed at the whole experience and I went to bed that night extremely grateful that the tradition, although slightly different, was kept alive. The saddest part of this new beginning in my life is that I will miss out on a lot of the special times. This motivates me to create our own memories that I truly hope last a lifetime. The boys  seem to be adjusting well to our  new situation. Their living arrangement has settled down and they seem to like their new school as well. They have made me very proud with all they have been through.We have three weeks until the trial for custody and visitation. I am very nervous on how this will all pan out. I am hoping for the best but planning for the worst as they say.

The sad part of all this is the boys and how they will feel on Christmas morning. I really can’t get this out of my mind as the time grows near. I am sure they will be happy with what Santa has done this year. They told me they look forward to our visit. Maybe it is me I am worried about. This will be the very first Christmas in my life that I will be totally alone. I am not really sure what to expect after I take them home on Christmas Eve. I live pretty far from my home town and the thought of driving five hours is not appealing. I do not wish to be alone on this day though. Some friends have asked me to visit and it is what I should do. It’s hard to decide though. I still cannot imagine that special day without my boys. I realize I have much to be thankful for. I have good health, great kids and a good career. It could be worse and I know that I will survive. I have been blessed with much support from my group online and family as well.

So as I look at my tree and think “yup it’s just me”

I still feel lucky to be free……. Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night…

This is me….http://www.facebook.com/#!/BuffalosJoeyI

My support group…..http://www.facebook.com/#!/groups/DadsRightsCoalitionofNY/

And the page……http://www.facebook.com/#!/pages/Dads-Rights-Coalition-of-New-York/227778323947711

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