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I define parental alienation as a purposeful attempt by one parent to try to dissociate the child from their other parent. 
Parental alienation comes in many forms. It can be as definitive as zero contact with a loved one or as complex as sporadic visitation and limited phone contact. In extreme cases, it can be years before the noncustodial parent has contact of any kind with their child.
Parental alienation comes with pain so intense it brings tears to even the strongest of parents. There is never closure. You lose what you love and relive the pain of separation over and over. The pain never goes away and hurts more as time goes on. I have yet to learn how to cope with this pain. Alienation is and always will be a cruel and unusual form of child abuse. It keeps a loving parent from being a complete part of their child’s life. Through all the madness, the child is left feeling confused, neglected and hurt. They often blame themselves. We must all agree that if the alienated parent wants to be a part of their child’s life, estranged spouses and court systems must allow unfettered contact. It’s in the child’s best interest.
When two adults decide that there is nothing left to give each other, extreme sensitivity must be given to afford the child equal and uncompromised access to the non-custodial parent. Studies have shown that court systems rarely award shared custody. But the fact remains that, at least here in the States, one judge makes the final decision. We all know that there are two sides to every story. It is a dire shame that the complete truth is rarely revealed. 
My case is basic, yet albeit a sad one. My ex is unwilling to allow even the simplest things, like individual phone contact. For three and a half years I have been communicating between visits while my ex monitors and interrupts our speaker phone conversations. It is blatantly obvious that she coaches answers to questions and mutes the line often. She is also the owner of the world’s shortest battery life iPhone in history. Our judgment of divorce awards me reasonable phone contact, yet I average less than 15 minutes a week with my children. I call every single day, multiple times, yet rarely do I get through. It’s a stress that has seeped its way into my everyday life affecting not only personal relationships but my own wellbeing. Not being there hurts enough, but no contact between visits is becoming debilitating.This suffering is the true test of my endurance.
Alienation is not something we can easily hide and it slowly takes its toll. This pain and weight we carry comes at a huge cost. How we choose to deal with it can be life altering. This is not a main stream subject and many are unwilling to openly discuss this topic. It is taboo. It can be humiliating, frustrating and difficult to understand. If we continue to ignore these harsh realities the next generation will grow up to accept and possibly display this behavior. The impact on my children is disheartening to witness. I worry how their opinion of me, and of their mother, is altered by this constant tension. How will they act as adults toward their partner, toward their own child? If my phone conversation with them turns to anything resembling my happiness, a life lesson or anything that is important and/or relevant to just us, I am cut off and forced to wait another three to four days just to hear their voices again. This direct retaliation goes unchecked and it’s horrifying how it continues. 
Life has become a delicate balancing act. It is difficult to be completely honest with my children when they ask questions of why and how. I refuse to discuss the ugliness that has become my twelve days of sorrow between visits. I remain as upbeat as I can when we speak. Simply stated, children deserve the love and respect of both parents. The child’s wellbeing is of the upmost importance. Make shared parenting a priority. In the end, the alienated parent and child suffer the wrath of the alienator. The insanity of it all is that alienation is child abuse and we need to raise awareness.
Early on, I began documenting my side of the storyin my blog: www.dadsrightscoalition.wordpress.com I write because it’s the one thing that helps meconstructively express my sadness. I continue doing what I can to save my sanity, one blog at a time. My devotion and love for my boys hascompelled me to become an advocate and champion for parental rights. I do this in honor of them. 
 

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You may find me on FB @ Dads Rights Coalition of NY (group), Dads Rights Coalition of New York (page) and Google+ Joseph Imperi.
10/23/2014

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The insanity of unequal parenting….


It seems insane in this day and age that someone could be rewarded for not wanting to work. I am a man with some college but no degree. She has two degrees and her own business yet I am supporting her. I have no issues with paying for Child Support. It is only right. Yet I am paying more in Temporary alimony weekly by over 120 dollars.  I only see my boys 4 out of every 14 days due to a temporary order that has been adopted by the Supreme Court yet no discussions have taken place because I am told that I need to wait until the trial. OK, but I have been dragged into court three times to ensure alimony is being paid yet we cannot nor will not discuss visitation until January 30th, 2013? Is this Due Process? 13 months to wait for a divorce trial yet three court appearances for money? How is this in the best interest of the children. Again today they have asked me why they cannot see their Dad more? I refuse to have adult conversations with them yet I cannot continue to lie to them either.

The most recent events in my story are alarming. I have been ordered on Friday to have all alimony directly removed from my check by the collections bureau. This in effect will render me destitute. I have been trying to come to an agreement with her in regards to money. She told me you need to get another job. 66% of my take home pay will now go to her in the forms of child and alimony support. I have told her I need to have a place for the boys to visit and stay over and all she can say is get another job? Please tell me how this is in the best interest of our children? I was sending all I could after paying my bills but now I am faced with an enormous task.  This is all in addition to the tax implications of 2011. She strung me along promising that we could file together. If she agreed to this I could have saved 6,500 in taxes due to a property we sold together. She waited until the last possible moment to say nope and this has caused more financial hardship. So the minimal income I will now bring home  will be just enough to pay my rent and truck payment. No bills, insurance, taxes, fun things to do with the boys, absolutely nothing. So yeah, I need another job. How is it that in this day and age we still can support and reward laziness? I have worked my ass of to get to the level of income I now once enjoyed. I have no issues with taking care of my boys, but now she does not have to work due to a system of corruption that supports one parent families. Where is the outcry for EQUAL PARENTING?

Yes EQUAL PARENTING, you know where people share responsibility of raising their children and share the costs equally. How is it that our society ignores the broken, biased laws that do not take the children’s best interest to heart? If I saw my boys more and had a say in any decisions regarding their health I might feel slightly better about this. Yet My parental rights were taken from me along with my rights to see them regularly and all our elected officials can say is ” its not an issue we need to discuss”.  How can I explain this broken, unjust system to my boys?

It is this insanity of unequal parenting that our court system continues to perpetuate repeatedly. Unless more people get involved and demand that the rights of good people be restored and unless people start to listen to the cries of the young, we will never be a society of equal anything.

My story is but one of many where Dads and Moms all over this state and country are being vilified by judges for no other reason than insanity…

They have taken my deserved time, taken my money, stolen my pride, stepped on my heart but they will never have my sanity. The love I receive from my two boys ensures this. The thoughts of Kids deserving Equal Parenting keep me fighting and I will not be quieted by the system.

I leave you with one thought…

Kids do not deserve the insanity of unequal parenting!

Kids deserve equal parenting…

Buffalosjoeyi…

Thanks for reading and I would hope that you could take a minute to visit my 
support group
 and page, like it, support it and stand up for what is right…Kids Deserve Both Parents…

This is me….http://www.facebook.com/#!/BuffalosJoeyI

My support group…..http://www.facebook.com/#!/groups/DadsRightsCoalitionofNY/

And the page……http://www.facebook.com/#!/pages/Dads-Rights-Coalition-of-New-York/227778323947711

Plus our State Wide Organization…

http://www.fafny.org


She comes in many forms: mental, physical but most painfully emotional. The emotional pain felt when a loved one is hurting, straining and struggling to make it through any obstacle can be draining. I have felt this pain for weeks and months on end. It would be nice to see light at the end of the tunnel, yet the darkness intensifies. It becomes the cloud you learn to live with, the weight that your back and neck carry as if it is another extremity. The wanting for it to pass, to leave and never return never ceases. It is as if there will never be a tomorrow with the happiness you once held dear. You do what you can but to turn your back would be worse. I live with this and try to put up the front of a smiling, happy and interested soul. This is not the case. This intense pain it seems will hang around for as long as it will. It has become the struggle that makes all of life less interesting.

The ability to stay positive is trying at best. This is a must though as those that are close need to feel secure, loved and nurtured. I continue to do what I must, yet the pain inside with not subside. I sometimes feel like a part of me has died. The part of me that loved, laughed and made the time of day fly by. It is the feeling of loving and wanting that I miss most. Having someone that is in tune with what you want from life by your side making every moment all the more real. There are many forms of the internal pain we all live with. I guess it’s how you handle the pain that makes you who you are. We all have it and if not kept in check it really can become insane…

Buffalosjoeyi…

Thanks for reading and I would hope that you could take a minute to visit my support group and page, like it, support it and stand up for what is right…Kids Deserve Both Parents…

This is me….http://www.facebook.com/#!/BuffalosJoeyI

My support group…..http://www.facebook.com/#!/groups/DadsRightsCoalitionofNY/

And the page……http://www.facebook.com/#!/pages/Dads-Rights-Coalition-of-New-York/227778323947711


As the key slides into the front door and as I open it  up, I sigh. This has been my reality of many days past and I far as I see my future. The sigh is inevitable, it is a signal that once again I am all alone. I have found no solace in this deafening silence lately. It is spring time and the season of change but yet I see no change in sight. The loneliness seems to be getting to me more and more. I am allowed a brief reprieve only every other weekend when my world lights up like a christmas tree and my boys infiltrate the silence. As slow as that time comes it goes by in a flash and the cycle of silence begins again.

When I was younger I was always the life of the party. I was the smiling bartender that kept the peace, The good friend that always lent an ear. I never was alone and never needed to worry about the quiet. Now as I grow older I wonder what the next half of my life has in store for me. I realize that the boys will grow up faster than I want, so I try to have the most memorable fun I can while they are here. This will be short-lived soon it seems. I am faced with the reality that their Mom wants to move away. This will only intensify the quiet that is my life now. What then?  The thing is I miss the companionship of a woman. One whom I can make laugh and enjoy the adult times that so many of you take for granted. I do not mean this in a bad way. I just hear people complain about the menial things in life that someone like me actually misses. I know in my heart that the decisions of my past were the right ones. My relationship with my boys Mom was ruining everyone. We at least can talk civilly now which is a step in the right direction. The reality is though that Delaware County is quiet. I like the quiet at times but It sure would be nice to have the silence broken by someone I could call “babe” , make her laugh and beak the silence.

Many will read this and think…” boy would I kill for some quiet time” . Be careful of what you wish for my friends because sometimes the insanity of quietness is blaring, loud and unwanted. It would just be nice to say” um excuse be babe….your snoring again” lol .   I admit I am not wired for being alone so the season of change is here and the weekend with my boys is near.

Buffalosjoeyi…

Thanks for reading and I would hope that you could take a minute to visit my support group and page, like it, support it and stand up for what is right…Kids Deserve Both Parents…

This is me….http://www.facebook.com/#!/BuffalosJoeyI

My support group…..http://www.facebook.com/#!/groups/DadsRightsCoalitionofNY/

And the page……http://www.facebook.com/#!/pages/Dads-Rights-Coalition-of-New-York/227778323947711


As the days draw closer to the one year mark I look back and ponder on all that has happened. I am amazed at the resiliency of my boys and how much they have grown. There have been many good times missed for sure but I have also created some lasting memories as well. My boys have taught me again how to be strong through it all and I am proud of them. I am a better Daddy now than I ever was before, this I owe to them. Thank you Christian and Alexander…But now it is time for…

Now that the sting of my recent past is gone and I move forward I find myself to be alone more often than not. I have filled my time wisely by taking college courses and trying to keep busy, but there seems to be something missing. I have realized I have an emptiness. It is painful and real, dark and lonely and most of all down right sad. I have always felt life is more interesting sharing life’s pleasures with someone else. I miss that feeling of the world stopping for that special someones kiss, the enjoyable pain of biting my lip in lust and of loving and being loved. I am sure that it will all change one day. I am also sure she is out there and is waiting to share those same feelings and longs for the kiss that makes time stop. It is impossible to give up on that dream, feeling and wonder that love brings to ones heart. It is that insatiable dream of being overwhelmed with ones love that keeps me going. I know I have the love of my children, but there is an emptiness in me longing for the sensual touch of a  special woman that keeps me awake at night. The time grows shorter every passing day on the chance to capture that head over heels feeling of being in ones arms. I am strong and It will one day come to fruition, this I know. I have so much to offer, share, give and accept. That special someone will see this and all of the time that has passed being alone will be but a distant memory. A memory that will be with me forever yet tucked away hopefully to never be felt again. The past is always the past, my future is mine and I will do my best to harness the love I know I will find one day and never let it go. As I grow older, never letting go is my only option…

Buffalosjoeyi…

Thanks for reading and I would hope that you could take a minute to visit my support group and page, like it, support it and stand up for what is right…Kids Deserve Both Parents…

This is me….http://www.facebook.com/#!/BuffalosJoeyI

My support group…..http://www.facebook.com/#!/groups/DadsRightsCoalitionofNY/

And the page……http://www.facebook.com/#!/pages/Dads-Rights-Coalition-of-New-York/227778323947711


My emotions are painful, real and all to clear. I was not a perfect father, husband or friend. I have moved forward to repair the relationships with my boys and it is going well. The financial burden of my situation has crippled me, my family and there seems to be no end in sight. I need to try to stay positive for them.

The communication with my boys has hit an all time high as we just concluded another wonderful weekend. We laughed, played, talked and had some great communication. It was a great feeling up until I had to take them back.

One downside to my situation that I cannot get away from is the money . It is just about unbearable. I do not understand how I will be able to sustain the current conditions. The first casualty has been the order from the court. I have been unable to pay the temporary marital support. The second casualty has been the order to pay her lawyer. I can’t give what I do not have. I am hoping to come to an agreement but this will take some give from the other party. I do not want this to drag on for ever as the lawyers have been the only winners. The next casualties will be my credit, wallet and lawyer bills.

So as I move forward I can only concentrate on being the best Dad possible and pray the Judge does not jail me for non-payment to my former spouse. On the plus side I have never missed a child support payment and as long as I am employed I will gladly make that payment.

My boys are now all I have and I need to do the best I can. When those you love are gone, you must keep your chin up and hope that one day the dreams carved out in your heart will come true. I cannot give up on the promises I have made. Emotions may get the better of me but I am a man with a heart that loves and is not afraid to show it. So I will keep biting my lower lip and doing what I need to do to stay positive.

Thanks for reading and I would hope that you could take a minute to visit my support group and page, like it, support it and stand up for what is right…Kids Deserve Both Parents…

This is me….http://www.facebook.com/#!/BuffalosJoeyI

My support group…..http://www.facebook.com/#!/groups/DadsRightsCoalitionofNY/

And the page……http://www.facebook.com/#!/pages/Dads-Rights-Coalition-of-New-York/227778323947711

 


The insanity of parental alienation….


The insanity is all to clear to the alienated parent. The pain, the loneliness and the suffering. Yes I am a man, but I have feelings. I did not want to be relegated to part-time Dad status. I am unfortunately a part-time Dad.

I miss them when they are not with me. I long to hear their laughs and stories of their week. I would love nothing more than to talk to each of them and say goodnight. So tell them I miss them and let them know I am here if they ever need something. I have not been afforded this right. A right given to me by the NYS Parental Handbook. http://www.nycourts.gov/ip/parent-ed/ParentsHandbook.pdf  On page 42 it lists the Children’s Bill of Rights. I do my best to follow this and admit I am not perfect. I learned this thru a mandated class I needed to take to fulfill my obligation to NYS Family Court. I am glad I took this class. It was very informative and teaches some great techniques such as parallel parenting in which I am now fully engaged.

It is not fair to the children to deny them access to either parent and it is frustrating that I cannot get anyone to listen to my side of the story. I have documented exactly all that has happened and I have admitted my faults. I have put myself on a path of healing and am trying to be a better Father and Dad for my boys. This all seems to go unnoticed and I am put into a situation where I must file bankruptcy and neglect my financial obligations. I will always pay my mandated Child Support and will no doubt soon have to pay marital support as it has been ordered. But how can it be ok to put a Dad in a situation where he can no longer afford a safe, clean place for the boys to visit? I was told to go live with a friend in their basement! Really? Seriously? How is this in the best interest of the children? This is the mantra spoken by all but I fail to see where they actually focus of what is right. I am now being informed about every little detail of what I do wrong. I do not need to be reminded. I know where I went wrong. I know what I have done and I now know what I must do. I will live the rest of my days devoted to my two boys I will  avoid conflict with their mother. And I will stress the importance of truth, justice and the fact that Kids Deserve Both Parents!  They cannot alienate me from them forever. They will one day have the ability to choose and I am ok with that. Alienation is insanity at its best. It is cruel, unusual and not fair to the children.

I would hope that you could take a minute to visit my support group and page, like it, support it and stand up for what is right…Kids Deserve Both Parents…

This is me….http://www.facebook.com/#!/BuffalosJoeyI

My support group…..http://www.facebook.com/#!/groups/DadsRightsCoalitionofNY/

And the page……http://www.facebook.com/#!/pages/Dads-Rights-Coalition-of-New-York/227778323947711


Today marked the end of a four-day stay with my boys. It was just awesome to have them for an extended period of time. We of course had our moments. They seem to think when they are with Dad it is anything goes. I try my best to let them have fun and express themselves as much as possible. They seem to understand this and try to take advantage on some occasions but I don’t blame them. Their story is they never get to let loose so I try to do the best I can within reason. The hardest part of it all is when it is time to say good-bye. I really loathe the moment when I have to say” it is time to get ready to go boys” . The smiles quickly turn to frowns and the bargaining begins. I certainly do wish I had something to bargain with but as a father, with absolutely no legal rights thanks to a system that is broken, I have to play by their rules. I do not like it and fortunately neither do the boys. I try my best to stay positive and keep a smile on at all times but they are old enough to know when I am not being totally truthful. I do not want to have adult conversations with them so it becomes a challenge to express my feelings to them when asked. The shame of it all is that they are forced to see a part of society that no children need to be exposed to. At their age they should not have to know what CPS or Judges or Lawyers are. I asked for a divorce, I needed out of the relationship with her, but not from them. The support group and the unbelievable amount of support helps but their seems to be no fix for the emptiness I feel when they have left and the house is quiet. Some people would say they would kill for some alone time. I say, ” walk in my shoes”. My brain is wired to be a Dad all of the time, not part of the time. I have been relegated to part-time Dad status, not by choice but by force. Legal force. I want to be there for them, I want to talk to them everyday, not when it is convenient. The hurt and pain of being alone is sometimes overwhelming. I have started taking some college courses to ease the idle time and it has helped some. I just can’t seem to get used to the fact that I am going to be alone most nights for the forseeable future. I never imagined that asking for a divorce was going to bring me to where I am at today. I knew it was going to affect the time I would spend with them but to this extent? Never thought it would be like this and for so long. Time might heal wounds but it surely is taking its sweet old-time here. I miss them so much already and I do not believe it is fair how Fathers and more importantly Dads are vilified in our legal system. So today I said good-bye to them, we shed tears as usual but I know I will see them again next week. It is more than some get but not enough for this Dad. Part time or not I will love them full-time and with benefits!

I would hope that you could take a minute to visit my support group and page, like it, support it and stand up for what is right…Kids Deserve Both Parents…

This is me….http://www.facebook.com/#!/BuffalosJoeyI

My support group…..http://www.facebook.com/#!/groups/DadsRightsCoalitionofNY/

And the page……http://www.facebook.com/#!/pages/Dads-Rights-Coalition-of-New-York/227778323947711

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