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She comes in many forms: mental, physical but most painfully emotional. The emotional pain felt when a loved one is hurting, straining and struggling to make it through any obstacle can be draining. I have felt this pain for weeks and months on end. It would be nice to see light at the end of the tunnel, yet the darkness intensifies. It becomes the cloud you learn to live with, the weight that your back and neck carry as if it is another extremity. The wanting for it to pass, to leave and never return never ceases. It is as if there will never be a tomorrow with the happiness you once held dear. You do what you can but to turn your back would be worse. I live with this and try to put up the front of a smiling, happy and interested soul. This is not the case. This intense pain it seems will hang around for as long as it will. It has become the struggle that makes all of life less interesting.

The ability to stay positive is trying at best. This is a must though as those that are close need to feel secure, loved and nurtured. I continue to do what I must, yet the pain inside with not subside. I sometimes feel like a part of me has died. The part of me that loved, laughed and made the time of day fly by. It is the feeling of loving and wanting that I miss most. Having someone that is in tune with what you want from life by your side making every moment all the more real. There are many forms of the internal pain we all live with. I guess it’s how you handle the pain that makes you who you are. We all have it and if not kept in check it really can become insane…

Buffalosjoeyi…

Thanks for reading and I would hope that you could take a minute to visit my support group and page, like it, support it and stand up for what is right…Kids Deserve Both Parents…

This is me….http://www.facebook.com/#!/BuffalosJoeyI

My support group…..http://www.facebook.com/#!/groups/DadsRightsCoalitionofNY/

And the page……http://www.facebook.com/#!/pages/Dads-Rights-Coalition-of-New-York/227778323947711

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As the key slides into the front door and as I open it  up, I sigh. This has been my reality of many days past and I far as I see my future. The sigh is inevitable, it is a signal that once again I am all alone. I have found no solace in this deafening silence lately. It is spring time and the season of change but yet I see no change in sight. The loneliness seems to be getting to me more and more. I am allowed a brief reprieve only every other weekend when my world lights up like a christmas tree and my boys infiltrate the silence. As slow as that time comes it goes by in a flash and the cycle of silence begins again.

When I was younger I was always the life of the party. I was the smiling bartender that kept the peace, The good friend that always lent an ear. I never was alone and never needed to worry about the quiet. Now as I grow older I wonder what the next half of my life has in store for me. I realize that the boys will grow up faster than I want, so I try to have the most memorable fun I can while they are here. This will be short-lived soon it seems. I am faced with the reality that their Mom wants to move away. This will only intensify the quiet that is my life now. What then?  The thing is I miss the companionship of a woman. One whom I can make laugh and enjoy the adult times that so many of you take for granted. I do not mean this in a bad way. I just hear people complain about the menial things in life that someone like me actually misses. I know in my heart that the decisions of my past were the right ones. My relationship with my boys Mom was ruining everyone. We at least can talk civilly now which is a step in the right direction. The reality is though that Delaware County is quiet. I like the quiet at times but It sure would be nice to have the silence broken by someone I could call “babe” , make her laugh and beak the silence.

Many will read this and think…” boy would I kill for some quiet time” . Be careful of what you wish for my friends because sometimes the insanity of quietness is blaring, loud and unwanted. It would just be nice to say” um excuse be babe….your snoring again” lol .   I admit I am not wired for being alone so the season of change is here and the weekend with my boys is near.

Buffalosjoeyi…

Thanks for reading and I would hope that you could take a minute to visit my support group and page, like it, support it and stand up for what is right…Kids Deserve Both Parents…

This is me….http://www.facebook.com/#!/BuffalosJoeyI

My support group…..http://www.facebook.com/#!/groups/DadsRightsCoalitionofNY/

And the page……http://www.facebook.com/#!/pages/Dads-Rights-Coalition-of-New-York/227778323947711


As the days draw closer to the one year mark I look back and ponder on all that has happened. I am amazed at the resiliency of my boys and how much they have grown. There have been many good times missed for sure but I have also created some lasting memories as well. My boys have taught me again how to be strong through it all and I am proud of them. I am a better Daddy now than I ever was before, this I owe to them. Thank you Christian and Alexander…But now it is time for…

Now that the sting of my recent past is gone and I move forward I find myself to be alone more often than not. I have filled my time wisely by taking college courses and trying to keep busy, but there seems to be something missing. I have realized I have an emptiness. It is painful and real, dark and lonely and most of all down right sad. I have always felt life is more interesting sharing life’s pleasures with someone else. I miss that feeling of the world stopping for that special someones kiss, the enjoyable pain of biting my lip in lust and of loving and being loved. I am sure that it will all change one day. I am also sure she is out there and is waiting to share those same feelings and longs for the kiss that makes time stop. It is impossible to give up on that dream, feeling and wonder that love brings to ones heart. It is that insatiable dream of being overwhelmed with ones love that keeps me going. I know I have the love of my children, but there is an emptiness in me longing for the sensual touch of a  special woman that keeps me awake at night. The time grows shorter every passing day on the chance to capture that head over heels feeling of being in ones arms. I am strong and It will one day come to fruition, this I know. I have so much to offer, share, give and accept. That special someone will see this and all of the time that has passed being alone will be but a distant memory. A memory that will be with me forever yet tucked away hopefully to never be felt again. The past is always the past, my future is mine and I will do my best to harness the love I know I will find one day and never let it go. As I grow older, never letting go is my only option…

Buffalosjoeyi…

Thanks for reading and I would hope that you could take a minute to visit my support group and page, like it, support it and stand up for what is right…Kids Deserve Both Parents…

This is me….http://www.facebook.com/#!/BuffalosJoeyI

My support group…..http://www.facebook.com/#!/groups/DadsRightsCoalitionofNY/

And the page……http://www.facebook.com/#!/pages/Dads-Rights-Coalition-of-New-York/227778323947711


My emotions are painful, real and all to clear. I was not a perfect father, husband or friend. I have moved forward to repair the relationships with my boys and it is going well. The financial burden of my situation has crippled me, my family and there seems to be no end in sight. I need to try to stay positive for them.

The communication with my boys has hit an all time high as we just concluded another wonderful weekend. We laughed, played, talked and had some great communication. It was a great feeling up until I had to take them back.

One downside to my situation that I cannot get away from is the money . It is just about unbearable. I do not understand how I will be able to sustain the current conditions. The first casualty has been the order from the court. I have been unable to pay the temporary marital support. The second casualty has been the order to pay her lawyer. I can’t give what I do not have. I am hoping to come to an agreement but this will take some give from the other party. I do not want this to drag on for ever as the lawyers have been the only winners. The next casualties will be my credit, wallet and lawyer bills.

So as I move forward I can only concentrate on being the best Dad possible and pray the Judge does not jail me for non-payment to my former spouse. On the plus side I have never missed a child support payment and as long as I am employed I will gladly make that payment.

My boys are now all I have and I need to do the best I can. When those you love are gone, you must keep your chin up and hope that one day the dreams carved out in your heart will come true. I cannot give up on the promises I have made. Emotions may get the better of me but I am a man with a heart that loves and is not afraid to show it. So I will keep biting my lower lip and doing what I need to do to stay positive.

Thanks for reading and I would hope that you could take a minute to visit my support group and page, like it, support it and stand up for what is right…Kids Deserve Both Parents…

This is me….http://www.facebook.com/#!/BuffalosJoeyI

My support group…..http://www.facebook.com/#!/groups/DadsRightsCoalitionofNY/

And the page……http://www.facebook.com/#!/pages/Dads-Rights-Coalition-of-New-York/227778323947711

 


The insanity of parental alienation….


Today marked the end of a four-day stay with my boys. It was just awesome to have them for an extended period of time. We of course had our moments. They seem to think when they are with Dad it is anything goes. I try my best to let them have fun and express themselves as much as possible. They seem to understand this and try to take advantage on some occasions but I don’t blame them. Their story is they never get to let loose so I try to do the best I can within reason. The hardest part of it all is when it is time to say good-bye. I really loathe the moment when I have to say” it is time to get ready to go boys” . The smiles quickly turn to frowns and the bargaining begins. I certainly do wish I had something to bargain with but as a father, with absolutely no legal rights thanks to a system that is broken, I have to play by their rules. I do not like it and fortunately neither do the boys. I try my best to stay positive and keep a smile on at all times but they are old enough to know when I am not being totally truthful. I do not want to have adult conversations with them so it becomes a challenge to express my feelings to them when asked. The shame of it all is that they are forced to see a part of society that no children need to be exposed to. At their age they should not have to know what CPS or Judges or Lawyers are. I asked for a divorce, I needed out of the relationship with her, but not from them. The support group and the unbelievable amount of support helps but their seems to be no fix for the emptiness I feel when they have left and the house is quiet. Some people would say they would kill for some alone time. I say, ” walk in my shoes”. My brain is wired to be a Dad all of the time, not part of the time. I have been relegated to part-time Dad status, not by choice but by force. Legal force. I want to be there for them, I want to talk to them everyday, not when it is convenient. The hurt and pain of being alone is sometimes overwhelming. I have started taking some college courses to ease the idle time and it has helped some. I just can’t seem to get used to the fact that I am going to be alone most nights for the forseeable future. I never imagined that asking for a divorce was going to bring me to where I am at today. I knew it was going to affect the time I would spend with them but to this extent? Never thought it would be like this and for so long. Time might heal wounds but it surely is taking its sweet old-time here. I miss them so much already and I do not believe it is fair how Fathers and more importantly Dads are vilified in our legal system. So today I said good-bye to them, we shed tears as usual but I know I will see them again next week. It is more than some get but not enough for this Dad. Part time or not I will love them full-time and with benefits!

I would hope that you could take a minute to visit my support group and page, like it, support it and stand up for what is right…Kids Deserve Both Parents…

This is me….http://www.facebook.com/#!/BuffalosJoeyI

My support group…..http://www.facebook.com/#!/groups/DadsRightsCoalitionofNY/

And the page……http://www.facebook.com/#!/pages/Dads-Rights-Coalition-of-New-York/227778323947711


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This blog still rings true even this year. Much has changed in my life since the separation/divorce. I still feel the pain and emptiness of being alone. The visits with my boys are much better and our relationships have grown. I am a very proud Daddy. This will mark the third Christmas I spend alone yet I feel like I am turning a corner.  My life is not where I hoped it would be but I am not complaining as it could be much worse.

As the smile in the new photo shows, a good conversation and an all around fun family day can help to ease the pain that is hidden. I am fortunate to have met people recently that are genuine, honest and absolutely hilarious! 2014 is looking to hopefully be one that big changes occur. Maybe not the ones I thought, but change just the same. Will all of my dreams come true? “Probably Not” but I am ok with it… I have to be.

I am wishing everyone a warm, fun filled and amazing Holiday Season… But just be thankful for what you have… And hope and wish for a better tomorrow.

Please remember those less fortunate this Holiday season and pay it forward…You may be surprised at how it really makes you feel!

 

(2011)

The sad realization hit me like a ton of bricks. I am not only going to be alone with my tree on Christmas morning but I will also not experience the waking up to excited kids. I will be and am thankful that I will get to spend Christmas Eve with my boys though. We were able to keep a certain tradition alive this past weekend. We traveled to a local tree farm and cut down what is thought to be the best Christmas tree ever. It was a challenge to put up but we managed and it is perfect. The day was great and we met some wonderful people. The boys were overjoyed at the whole experience and I went to bed that night extremely grateful that the tradition, although slightly different, was kept alive. The saddest part of this new beginning in my life is that I will miss out on a lot of the special times. This motivates me to create our own memories that I truly hope last a lifetime. The boys  seem to be adjusting well to our  new situation. Their living arrangement has settled down and they seem to like their new school as well. They have made me very proud with all they have been through.We have three weeks until the trial for custody and visitation. I am very nervous on how this will all pan out. I am hoping for the best but planning for the worst as they say.

The sad part of all this is the boys and how they will feel on Christmas morning. I really can’t get this out of my mind as the time grows near. I am sure they will be happy with what Santa has done this year. They told me they look forward to our visit. Maybe it is me I am worried about. This will be the very first Christmas in my life that I will be totally alone. I am not really sure what to expect after I take them home on Christmas Eve. I live pretty far from my home town and the thought of driving five hours is not appealing. I do not wish to be alone on this day though. Some friends have asked me to visit and it is what I should do. It’s hard to decide though. I still cannot imagine that special day without my boys. I realize I have much to be thankful for. I have good health, great kids and a good career. It could be worse and I know that I will survive. I have been blessed with much support from my group online and family as well.

So as I look at my tree and think “yup it’s just me”

I still feel lucky to be free……. Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night…

This is me….http://www.facebook.com/#!/BuffalosJoeyI

My support group…..http://www.facebook.com/#!/groups/DadsRightsCoalitionofNY/

And the page……http://www.facebook.com/#!/pages/Dads-Rights-Coalition-of-New-York/227778323947711


Communication Frustration…...


Over the last six months I have done my best to stay positive. This has been a task that I really have had to pay close attention too. For way too long in my marriage I allowed myself to fall into that rut where negativity was the norm. I found myself becoming a workaholic so I could refrain from being sucked into her world of gossip, misery and self loathing. I normally would not discuss the ugliness that was my life for a time but after today I just cant help but rejoice in the fact that I am no longer under the thumb of the negative woman I once lived with. Today was no different  than any other. My younger son has struggles with the split. He has tried to get us to do things as a family and gets upset when we can’t.  He asked me at soccer if he could go with mom instead of coming back with me. It was obvious when she did not support me and my time that I was not going to win the battle. So I told my son if he wanted to then it was ok. My other son and I drove away, me with tears and him upset that his little brother was not along for the rest of the weekend. What was I supposed to do? She started with the crap…”oh he is afraid”  really? we had a great night, morning and until she showed at soccer a nice afternoon. They finally called me and said now he wants to come back. Games, not him but her. She just has to see that this is hard for them and support the time I earned to spend with them instead of feeding into all of it. I do feel so guilty sometimes because that pain in their eyes is real. At one time things might have been different but when my sons both told the judge that they liked the new Dad, the one who does not get mad anymore, I realized this was going to be ok. I was removed from the home by a piece of paper thanks to her but I am ok now. I have settled into my house, set the boys up with their own rooms and get to finally enjoy them without the games. Well at least some of the time.


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